Dear House of Representatives,

I want to remind you of your proper place in this nation. I recommend you read the Federalist Papers, specifically #57. For your convenience I'm including a very important excerpt from that paper:

I will add, as a fifth circumstance in the situation of the House of Representatives, restraining them from oppressive measures, that they can make no law which will not have its full operation on themselves and their friends, as well as on the great mass of the society. This has always been deemed one of the strongest bonds by which human policy can connect the rulers and the people together. It creates between them that communion of interests and sympathy of sentiments, of which few governments have furnished examples; but without which every government degenerates into tyranny. If it be asked, what is to restrain the House of Representatives from making legal discriminations in favor of themselves and a particular class of the society? I answer: the genius of the whole system; the nature of just and constitutional laws; and above all, the vigilant and manly spirit which actuates the people of America, a spirit which nourishes freedom, and in return is nourished by it. If this spirit shall ever be so far debased as to tolerate a law not obligatory on the legislature, as well as on the people, the people will be prepared to tolerate any thing but liberty. Such will be the relation between the House of Representatives and their constituents. Duty, gratitude, interest, ambition itself, are the chords by which they will be bound to fidelity and sympathy with the great mass of the people.

In my own "vigilant and manly spirit" I am stating that unfortunately the "genius of the system" has been undermined by itself and its members doing all of the things that Hamilton/Madison said it shouldn't do, and also by the people tolerating everything but liberty. (a problem that may soon be remedied by sufficient "populist outrage")

As some are fretting about the sanctity of the "rule of law" I am just saying that the law has fallen by its own excess. The rule of law is only as strong, trustworthy, and incorruptible as its makers. I am standing in a separate place from many of the people with whom I normally agree about the fundamental principles of government... some who want to believe that the rule of law should be respected unconditionally. However, be it by the virtue of my rebellious heredity or some other influence, I cannot agree that the rule of law is always untouchable and inviolate.

As for the whole AIG issue, I do believe that all of you Representatives (and Senators) should apply the same punishments upon yourselves as you wish to apply to the employees who received unjust bonuses, etc. You are just as guilty as any of them, if not moreso.

The "populist outrage" is not restricted to, or even primarily directed at, some unfortunate and incompetent financial services employees of AIG, and you would be wise to recognize your own corruption and incompetence and to rectify yourselves immediately.

With much vigilant and manly ;-) spirit,
Vicious Momma

PS Another reminder for you, Article 1, Section 9 or the US Constitution: No Bill of Attainder or ex post facto Law shall be passed.

Dear Timothy Geithner,

I've heard that you are having a lot of trouble finding people to work with/for you. While I have strong reservations and questions about you and your methods I would like to offer my services to the Treasury because I'm sure that I could bring some valuable and effective contributions to the work at hand. I am not an attorney nor an economist nor an accountant by official title or degrees, but I have many years of experience in the real life administration of a successful small business. And my salary/compensation requirements are quite reasonable... I would do the job for the cost of just one of Nancy Pelosi's private military jet trips home from DC. And it would be nice to get all the usual basic government employee benefits too.

I do have to say one other thing. My offer to work for the Treasury is null and void if it requires any kind permanent mark on my person that would indicate an allegiance to anyone or anything other than the United States Constitution and my God-given conscience. I hope that won't be an obstacle to your consideration.

Sincerely,
Rae Ann McCurry

PS I don't have any unresolved tax issues and plan to file on time this year.

Dear Treasury Secretary Paulson,

I am writing from Main Street, so to speak, to let you know that our small business is in need of your assistance. While you've been so exceptionally generous in helping save the asses profits of the big guys, and I guess we will have to see how well that works out, we little guys are suffering too.

Instead of adding to the modest debt we have been working so hard to eliminate (and avoid), I am requesting that you send us a bailout grant of $50,000 $100,000 to recover the costs of all our outstanding accounts receivable. This amount comes from all the people who have not paid us for our products and services rendered, and frankly, I'm using the accounting tricks of the big guys to inflate that amount. What's fair is fair.

Without this expected income we are not able to pay our own bills from the suppliers and possibly won't be able to cover our payroll. It is very concerning that we might have to lay off our employee due to this problem, and that will hurt all of us.

As a small sole proprietorship, if we cannot pay our bills then those we owe can actually try to sue us for our home or other real assets. You surely realize these are much more serious consequence for us than any of the consequences for the CEOs of the failing financial services companies that you've already agreed to help. As far as I can tell, none of them will have their personal assets seized to cover their inability to keep their companies solvent, even if it is their own fault. Clearly, that is very unjust, don't you agree?

The amount we are requesting is such a tiny percentage of your previous "rescue" packages, and as such we believe that this very modest allocation will actually be very immediately effective in relieving our local economy.

However, out of our own benevolence and altruism, we are open to some negotiation. It might be acceptable to us to be absolved from all federal taxes for some period of time, measured in years not months. Please do consider this option. Although it is not really the most helpful for us, it is better than nothing.

I expect to hear from you or your representatives regarding our request as soon as possible.

Thank you.

Sincerely,

Rae Ann
Office Manager/Bookkeeper
[edited for privacy] Heating and Air Conditioning
Knoxville, TN

Dear Foreign Friends and Populist Comrades,

I do understand all of your concern about the current "crisis" in the US economy and that you are also very deeply concerned about how it will affect you and your own economies. Please don't assume that the American people don't care about you. We do. But we also would appreciate your understanding about our own reluctance to throw hundreds of billions of dollars into something that has not been adequately explained and justified. We Americans are generally pretty cautious and careful about demands for huge amounts of money without some assurance that it's not some exaggerated version of a Nigerian email scam.

I hope now that the Senate has passed its "rescue plan" (new name for "bailout" that's actually just their lipstick on the pig) and is sending it down to the House, all of you people around the world who have been throwing blame and hatred towards the "ordinary" Americans will finally begin to appreciate us and maybe even send us a little love for all the sacrifices we are going to make for the *global* economy's benefit.

I was thinking last night that perhaps, since it looks like the US economy is the cash cow that keeps the global economy fed, then perhaps we should just extend this socialism to everyone who depends on us. You know, if we fall, they all fall, so wouldn't it be fair to ask for all to contribute? If every man, woman, and child in America is going to have to be 2-3 thousand dollars more in debt to prop up the global economy, then why wouldn't it be fair to ask every man, woman, and child in the *world* to contribute about $50 which would cover about half of the original $700 billion. Well, what's fair is fair, right?

We "ordinary" Americans have had the weight of the world put on our shoulders and the strain is really too much. What we need right now, instead of blame and derision, is a little love and appreciation for our philosophical and practical sacrifices to join the populist socialist comrades around the world.

I'm willing to say that it isn't really the club that I wanted to join, and all of us "ordinary" and "populist" Americans have been involuntarily drafted into it. Generally, our true populism is not socialist nor communist in nature, and that is why America has been so different from the rest of the world. But now you might have some reason to celebrate our coerced conversion. Actually, it would be pretty nice to see some footage on the news of people around the world sending us praise and blessings, instead of all the previous scenes over the years of people cheering about our tragedies. Well, it's a nice but unrealistic thought.

So please, the next time you are thinking evil thoughts about all the selfish and stupid American masses, stop and try to remember that we are paying the largest price, philosophically and fiscally, to keep your world functioning. And while you're at it, the most helpful and constructive thing you can do is to write and send a $50 check to the US Treasury. That would be the best expression of appreciation possible, but I would personally be happy with a "thank you" or "bless you" or even "I love you." :-)

Sincerely,

Your Comrade (in name only), Rae Ann

PS Here is a video that I always thought had a socialist/communist look to it (but it's a great, fun song):

We can dance if we want to
We can leave your friends behind
'Cause your friends don't dance and if they don't dance
Well they're, no friends of mine

Say, we can go where we want to
A place where they will never find
And we can act like we come from out of this world
Leave the real one far behind

...

We can dance if we want to
We've got all your life and mine
As long as we abuse it, never going to lose it
Everything will work out right

I say, we can dance if we want to
We can leave your friends behind
'Cause your friends don't dance, and if they don't dance
Well they're no friends of mine

I say, we can dance, we can dance
Everything's out of control
We can dance, we can dance
We're doing it from pole to pole

We can dance, we can dance
Everybody look at your hands
We can dance, we can dance
Everybody's taking the chance

...

Dear Barack Obama,

Who do you think you are to decide that my personal offense and "outrage" are "phoney"? I do not feel my feelings because John McCain's campaign tells me to feel a particular way, and I think that your childish response to belittle so many of us reveals that you aren't really interested in "transcending" the old politics and probably don't have the diplomatic skills required of a President.

Yes, I am angry, and my feelings are real and serious. And why should I respect someone who refuses to even acknowledge that his comments really have offended someone, even if it was supposedly "innocent"? Is this how you get along with your wife and daughters? To belittle their feelings and tell them that they are "phoney" and that it's not your fault if you said something they might have taken wrong? Is it your personal tactic to blame all misunderstandings on other people instead of taking responsibility for saying something that is easily misinterpreted?

And I hope you do very much appreciate the velvet glove handling you continue to get from the media and all the talking heads, who apparently don't have the balls to actually admit that your comment was very ill-timed and ill-advised and that you would have shown much more maturity and fairness to apologize and move on instead of twisting it around to use to your own advantage. I feel like you've totally exploited my (and many others') feelings. That's just not very nice. It's just not nice at all.

I recommend that you grow a pair and admit your errors. Yes, it really is difficult to accept responsibilty for causing a big upset, even if you didn't really mean to, but that's what a real man would do.

Sincerely,
Vicious Momma

PS Please tell your pal, Bill O'Rielly, that he needs to lay off the botox because it's making him a p*ssy. It must have migrated down to his balls and paralyzed them. ;-)

Dear Paris Hilton,

Actually, I kind of like your reply to McCain because it is pretty funny:

See more Paris Hilton videos at Funny or Die

But I feel I must inform you of a couple of things. First, you're not old enough to be President. The Constitution (you should Google it) states that one must be at least 35 years old to be President, so you and your choice of VP don't quite make it. Second, and please don't hate me for saying this, you really aren't that hot. You're really kind of ugly, in the face anyway. If you weren't super-rich with all kinds of people fixing your hair and makeup and all that, then you'd be a basic girl with no great beauty. In other words, your beauty is totally artificial. Which actually is a lot like most politicians. ;-)

Okay, so maybe saying that doesn't endear me to you, but if you are going into politics you'll have to develop a very tough skin. However, I have an offer for you. If you back me, financially and socially, as a Presidential candidate (at 40 I am definitely old enough) then I will make you the official White House decorator/interior designer because I actually do like the idea of painting the White House pink. :-) Plus, you do seem to have a decent sense of humor and that goes a long way towards overcoming your faults and conceits.

Please think about this offer. I have some very good, practical ideas about how to straighten out most of the problems in our country, but I just need some money help getting those ideas put into action.

Sincerely,

Rae Ann aka Vicious Momma

Dear Rev. Jeremiah Wright,

You should be ashamed of yourself. And you should take some lessons from the Pope about how to act in the name of God. But let me tell you one thing. You are so wrong about the white government conspiring against black progress. What do you think the last 40 or so years have been all about? What planet have you been living on?

What do you think about the white government's raid on an all white polygamist compound? Do you think that's a conspiracy against anyone? It sure looks to me like a conspiracy against white religious pimps (and pedophiles). Maybe it would be fair if the government raided some black "compound" full of pregnant underage girls who might not even know who're the fathers. All they'd have to do is pick a public housing project of any major city, and I'm pretty sure they would find a comparable number of underage mothers and mothers-to-be. And I'm also pretty sure that most of those fathers are not underage. Surely you are capable of doing those calculations. And if you really cared about "your people" you would want the government's help to end the exploitation of your people's young women. I mean, Lord have mercy, are you really that dumb or is it just an act? Either way, you are not doing anything to help improve the world, and you are supposed to be a minister of God's Word and Love for all people. Honestly, how well do you think you're doing at that?

I will pray that God puts it heavy on your heart to do the right thing. And to say the right thing.

Sincerely,

Rae Ann (aka Vicious Momma)

Dear Quentin Tarantino,

I'm sure you get all kinds of kooky letters from crazy freaks with their 'brilliant' movie ideas. Well, I'm pretty kooky and crazy and maybe a little freaky and I do have a movie idea, but I'm not promising anything brilliant. ;-) Just so you know, I'm a hometown girl from Knoxville, just in case that might help a little. :-) I really love some of your movies that I've seen, especially the Kill Bill movies, Sin City (your influence as guest director is obvious), and Pulp Fiction. I'm sorry to admit that I haven't seen all of them. Maybe someday I'll get caught up on some movie watching.

Anyway, if you sex it up a lot and fictionalize most of it, you could make a really funny and quirky movie based on my life. Just a few of the real elements to start with are my status as a vicious momma who drives a red Corvette convertible (when I'm not driving a bunch of kids around in an 'evil', full size SUV - Ford Expedition). Well, that's kind of a good start, don't you think? ;-) For some of the fantasy elements you could have me involved in torrid affairs with Lubos Motl and the Pope. Okay, just for a disclaimer to make sure no rumors get started I must tell you that in actuality Lubos Motl has only ever shown the utmost impeccable integrity towards me, and of course the Pope doesn't even know me. But let's get back to the fiction. Another plot twist possibility could involve all this global warming garbage and how me and my cohorts form a secret alliance to stop the evil AntiChrist who is leading the world astray, and so on.

Kate Winslet would be the best choice to play me. She's much prettier than I am, but that's how it's supposed to be in movies.



These pictures from Romance and Cigarettes capture some of the vicious momma spirit, I think.

Maybe Jude Law could play Lubos, or even you. I know you like to show up in your movies. And maybe Anthony Hopkins could play the Pope. We could throw in Viggo Mortensen as a mystery man without whose aid we couldn't succeed in our mission. Probably Alec Baldwin would be good as the AntiChrist. I really dislike him anyway. He's a true cad so it might not be too much of a stretch for him to play that part.

So there you go. There are lots of cool music ideas too, but I won't get too carried away. I do think that you would have the vision and humor to create a fun, interesting story with these elements. And maybe you could even ask Michael Crichton to collaborate on some of the scientific aspects of the story. I like his movies too, though they are much different from yours. It might be a very strange but complementary mixture to have you two working together. But maybe you two hate each other and it is a terrible prospect? I have no idea. I'm just throwing around some wild notions.

Have a nice holiday.

Sincerely,
Rae Ann

PS How could I have been so thoughtless? I should have mentioned my best friend's brother, Walt Foreman, who is a novelist and filmmaker in California. I think he might have some good ideas too.

Dear Friends and Neighbors,

Please accept my apologies. I'm afraid that the recent heat wave of record-breaking proportions (by one or two degrees in reality) is entirely my fault. No, it's not because I drive an SUV approximately 32 miles a day. ;-) The real reason is because I am absolutely burning up inside and all that heat has to go somewhere or it might literally cook my insides. This is probably some pre-menopausal red giant phase which will eventually end in collapse into a smaller, cooler white dwarf phase. So just bear with me as we all suffer through it. It won't last forever. I'm not sure if there is any way of "stopping" it or reducing its intensity. Perhaps we should set a challenge, in the tradition of fairy tale heroes, to find a solution to redirect or absorb this heat? Please feel free to offer suggestions, except to kill me because that wouldn't work anyway since that would cause me to blow up into a supernova and destroy everything. ;-)

Thanks for your understanding. And really, I am terribly sorry for all this discomfort and am wishing for some real relief soon.

Sincerely,

Rae Ann aka Vicious Momma

Dear Paris Hilton,

You are the ultimate example of a spoiled rotten moron. You mother should be given at least 50 lashes for producing such a bad offspring. I just saw a "Hilton family" (of hotels) commercial that spouts, "Be Hospitable." What kind of propagandacrap is that? Sometimes I'm tempted to believe that people should have to pass some sort of intelligence test to be allowed to have a certain amount of money. You are such a poor example of humanity that it turns me into a semi-fascist!

Unfortunately, people in other parts of the world see you and your ridiculous antics and assume that all Americans are that way. You are such a bad representative of Americans that you should be imprisoned just for that alone. And your mother (and father) should be held up as example of How Not To Be Parents. It's sickening. Almost more so than the bad chicken nuggets from Chik-Fil-A than have knocked me out for several days.

Honestly, I think you are some kind of subhuman species. You should be sterilized before you reproduce.

Sincerely,

Vicious Momma

Dear Pope Benedict XVI,

Thank you so very much for your work on releasing unbaptized infants and children from Limbo. You're a pretty good guy, and I'm sorry that I've compared your appearance to the evil Emperor in Star Wars. But I know you have a good sense of humor and have forgiven me. ;-) And that offer for some Corvette Therapy is always open.

Sincerely,
Rae Ann, your unofficial and occasional prophet ;-)

PS Hey, what happened? Did Gore's demons get to you? I hope that your recent comments about the environment only reflect a moderate and sensible concern about "stewardship" and is not evidence of your being brainwashed into the "green" AntiChrist's agenda. Say it ain't so!

Eulogy: A Quiet Hero

Dear Friends,

Thank you so very much for all of your thoughts, prayers, and kind words during this very difficult time for my family. I can't adequately convey the magnitude of our loss, but it has been heartwarming to hear from all the people whose lives were better from knowing my father-in-law. It is humbling yet comforting to see such an outpouring of love and condolence. Ben was one of those rare generous and kind people who truly lived by the Christian code of conduct. He was one of the smartest and wisest people I've ever known. He could discern and evaluate situations and people with a quick precision that was rarely inaccurate.

There really is such a thing as the American Dream. It is not a myth. It is reality. I know because I live it, and that has been possible, in large part, because of the actions of that very special and beloved man. The success of his life is evident in the fact that all five of his children are successful, happy, and well-adjusted people who get along and love each other. There are no big family conflicts which is pretty unusual these days, especially in large families. This is a testament to the kind of man and father and husband he was for his immediate family and to everyone who knew him.

Everyone has said he was the most generous and caring man they ever knew. That through his hard work and outstanding character he was able to rise from poverty to a level of comfort and security is first-hand evidence that the American Dream is real and available for those who work for it and deserve it. At the end of his life he knew he had come a long way and humbly marveled that his life was as Blessed as it was. His way of summing it up was "it's been a good run." It should be everyone's goal to be able to meet death with that kind of gratitude.

But he was a humble man who never tooted his own horn or called attention to his good works. He just did them because that was the way he believed he was supposed to live. He was one of those quiet heroes, not the kind who expected or even wanted special recognition, because he believed he was just living in the way that benefited others.

I've been a part of this family for 18 years, nearly half of my life, and I feel as if I've lost my own parent because he loved me and accepted me as if I were his own child. This was just the kind of man he was. He was this way with all of his daughters-and-sons-in-law. We all are so very sad to have lost our 'father'. In fact, this loss has severely injured my nerves and the healing will take a good, long time.

This brings me to a point that I wish I didn't have to address. Despite the outpouring of support and kindness, death in our human world has not yet escaped the aggregation of vultures, hyenas, and other opportunistic scavengers. I learned ten years ago when my own mother died that the world largely doesn't care how hurt you are that you've lost a parent. The world just keeps on keeping on, and that's the way it is supposed to be, actually.

But there are those few individuals who lack any kind of human kindness, consideration, empathy or compassion and will take advantage of a grieving person's weakened condition. It is probably an injustice to vultures to compare these foul and unwelcome people to them because vultures are only animals without human emotions and feelings. It's truly a shame that the grieving process must include having to deal with such painful distractions. And unfortunately, when these kinds of cruel and unfeeling people persist in their thoughtless and selfish pursuit of causing us pain the only truly effective way of managing is to avoid them as much as possible.

So, that being said, while it only adds to my pain and injured nerves, I must adjust my habits and activities in whatever ways will ease the situation. These hurtful and aggressive hyenas have infested even the online places where I've enjoyed comraderie and friendship in the past. And in the absence of any kind of advocate I just don't have the strength at this time to endure any extra antagonism. I will have to do what my father-in-law would have done in such a situation: make a graceful exit and hope that eventually when left to their own devices the emotional terrorists will self-destruct or otherwise be revealed for their true selves. I'm sorry that it has come to this, but unless I'm shown another way it's the only one I know.

I will be here, on my own ground, occasionally, but I'm sorry I won't be making many rounds for a while. You know where to find me if it matters.

Thanks again to those who have been kind, generous, and supportive. May we meet again at some more pleasant point.

Sincerely,

Rae Ann

Chimerical Mail Time

Dear Rae Ann,

Don't you think you're being hypocritical to accuse William Oefelein of playing a "wicked game" when you are guilty of flirting with men online?

Officially,
The Flirtation Police

Dear Flirtation Police,

Well, that's alltogether different because I don't know any of them in "real life". And I have it from a reliable source that the "e-world" is most definitely not the same as the "real world." Besides, Oefelein seemed to be involved in a simple, ordinary Euclidean love triangle, but I have no desire for such a thing as that. Oh, no. I would require something more like a very complex and multidimensional love Calabi-Yau manifold. ;-)

Sincerely,
Rae Ann


Hi Rae Ann,

How in the world did you get all mixed up with a bunch of scientists, especially physicists?

Curious but not Britney Spears

Hi Curious but not Britney Spears,

I hope you are wearing underwear. ;-) To be totally honest, and I promise I'm not saying this just because everyone involved in the Scooter Libby trial is saying it, I don't remember. Really, I don't. What I do recall is that at some point in 2005 I stumbled upon CapitalistImperialistPig's blog. I can't remember if I got there by clicking "next blog" while browsing, or if his blog was listed on the Blogger Dashboard as "recently updated", or if I got there in some other way. But I'm not completely certain that was the true introduction into the physics blogosphere because it seems I had somehow stumbled upon Lubos Motl's Reference Frame prior to finding CIP. But, again, I really can't recall exactly. Sorry. I wish I could remember exactly.

Thanks for asking anyway,
Rae Ann


Dear Vicious Momma,

I've heard that your views on Hillary have "softened". What's up with that? Are you becoming a lilly-ass liberal?

Say it ain't so,
A Concerned Conservative

Dear Concerned Conservative,

It ain't so... I'm most definitely not becoming a lilly-ass liberal. Maybe I'm just getting older and a little less vicious? Hillary is still much too socialist for me, but I have to admit that I do admire her strength and confidence. Her joke about "bad, evil men" was hilarious and I never assumed she was referring (only) to her husband. That's what makes a great joke, when it can have many levels of meaning. But don't make the mistake of thinking that because she can tell a funny joke is why my view has "softened." Her remaining relatively strong in her support for the military is a point in her favor, but if she starts that John Edwards style waffling (he must have learned well from his time with Kerry) she will lose all credibility with me. If she wants to appeal to the more conservative voters she must be consistent. I don't think it would be a disaster if she became President, at least not as much of a disaster as with any of the other Democratic candidates. My biggest concern with her as President would be her husband being in the White House again. I think it would be wise for her to keep him out of the White House as much as possible, especially away from the interns. Really, if you boil it down, Bill Clinton is Hillary's biggest detriment and liability, and not just because of his wayward tendencies.

Hope that helps,
A Kinder, Gentler Momma ;-)

Dear Britney Spears,

I bet your mother is horrified. If she isn't, she should be. Let me do a little proper mothering here in case your own mother is that clueless.

First of all, nobody really wants to see your hairless privates. Well, maybe some idiotic males do, but they obviously would look at ANY privates so don't be thinking that yours are all that special.

Second, please wear underwear when you're wearing a skirt. This is for your and everyone else's health and safety. Nobody wants to sit on a seat that your naked privates have touched. Well, maybe except for those same idiotic males mentioned above. I don't care how rich and famous you are, your ass is still nasty. And even OutKast sang about that:

I know you'd like to thank (think) your shit don't stank (stink)
But lean a little bit closer
See that roses really smell like boo-boo (poo-poo)
Yeah, roses really smell like boo-boo (poo-poo)

And I guess you never considered wearing panties to protect your own privates? Goddamn, the world is full of germs. But I guess if you let K-Fed (and who knows what other man-skanks) down there then you don't really care about the health and cleanliness of your poontang. By the way, I saw the pictures of you going barefoot into a gas station bathroom. Oh Lord, girl, you are just plain stupid. Didn't your mother teach you anything?

I hate to say it, but you are not fit to be a mother. You need to straighten yourself out, stop hanging out with even bigger nasty skanks than yourself, and take some parenting classes.

You are a walking health hazard to yourself and everyone else. Toxic, indeed. What a waste of a pretty girl. I mean really, you've grown up in a world that worships youth and beauty that has given you all fortune you could ever want just because you were pretty. Did this teach you to value yourself? Obviously not if you're exploiting yourself in these most offensive and irresponsible ways.

And by the way, totally shaved is so 1990s. Grown up women and grown up men have body hair. Hairless privates (male and female) are for those with pedophilic tendencies. If someone isn't mature enough to know how to handle some hair down there then he or she isn't mature enough to have their face down there in the first place.

So, please, if you have an ounce of decency, take my words to heart. Grow up, be a good mother, and wear underwear!

Sincerely,

Rae Ann, Vicious Momma

PS (2-23-07) Oh, honey, you've really got to stop drinking and whatever other drugs you're doing. Can't you see that you are totally ruining your life? And the life of your two little kids? Please, stop focusing only on yourself and your own needs and impulses. You have got to think about your kids! Do you really want K-Fed to have custody of them? Everything you are doing now is being held against you. I know how hard it is to pick yourself up and face the big troubles of life, but you have to do it! You are strong enough. You don't want to end up like Anna Nicole. You are still so young and have so much life ahead of you. Please, go to rehab and STAY there until you are straightened out enough to be the responsible parent that your boys need. You have been through a lot in the last couple of years: having two babies very close is enough on its own to make a woman go insane. But you must be a grown up and face your responsibilities. It breaks my heart to see someone self-destructing in such a dramatic and public way. Stop. Look at your little boys and decide that you want to be the mother they deserve. You can't get back these days that you're wasting. Pray to God to help you have the strength to face reality.

Dear Mom,

Happy Birthday. You would have turned 64 today if you were still counting years. It's hard to believe that it's been ten years since your last real birthday. But then so much has happened that it sometimes seems longer than that. How I wish you could see your only granddaughter. She's like some kind of angel, the most beautiful girl you can imagine. I know that you had the biggest hand in that. She is everything I ever wished I could be. Thank you.

And I know you have a hand in the freaky shit that happens, like right now this song just came on the radio:

"One Sweet Day" by Mariah Carey & Boyz II Men

Sorry I never told you
All I wanted to say
And now it's too late to hold you
'Cause you've flown away
So far away

Never had I imagined
Living without your smile
Feeling and knowing you hear me
It keeps me alive
Alive

And I know you're shining down on me from Heaven
Like so many friends we've lost along the way
And I know eventually we'll be together
One sweet day

Darling, I never showed you
Assumed you'd always be there
I took your presence for granted
But I always cared
And I miss the love we shared

And I know you're shining down on me from Heaven
Like so many friends we've lost along the way
And I know eventually we'll be together
One sweet day

Although the sun will never shine the same
I'll always look to a brighter day
Lord I know when I lay me down to sleep
You will always listen as I pray

And I know you're shining down on me from Heaven
Like so many friends we've lost along the way
And I know eventually we'll be together
One sweet day

And I know you're shining down on me from Heaven
Like so many friends we've lost along the way
And I know eventually we'll be together
One sweet day

Sorry I never told you
All I wanted to say

Thanks for that too.

But back to your grandchildren. The six year old, he is an adorable Wild Boy, but in the best ways. And he's so imaginative. He'll probably be a writer or a horror movie-maker. He loves going to kindergarten and is disappointed when the weekend comes.

You wouldn't believe how much the baby you knew briefly has grown up. He's almost 11 but thinks he's 30. To be fair, he's probably smarter than many 30 year olds, but emotionally he's more like 14 or 15. Some kids really do mature sooner these days. He's got (early) Beatles hair which is the current, popular style for boys, and it looks cute on him and you'd like it, I think. Within a year he'll be taller than me.

Rhonda is still the pretty one, and our difference in that regard seems to increase each year. I don't think I'm the smart one anymore. I'm not sure what I am. And sometimes I'm glad that you don't have to see how life has left its marks on me over these ten years. In some ways it is scar tissue that holds me together, so I must be thankful that it is there, whatever form it takes. You always said, "Beggars can't be choosers."

I miss you so much. I hope that Heaven is everything you hoped for, and more.

Love,
Rae Ann

Chimerical Mail Time

Hello Rae Ann,

I'm writing to express concern for your apparent instability lately. Are you okay? Are you doing everything in your power to improve the situation? Thanks.

Concerned

Dear Concerned,

Thanks for being concerned. It really helps more than you realize to know that someone actually is concerned. :-) Yes, I believe I'm on the road to recovery from a little wild roller coaster of a time. Though, it would be unrealistic to expect that things won't ever get a little crazy. That's just the way things are around here. Again, thanks for caring.

Rae Ann


Dear Rae Ann,

Inquiring minds want to know. What is your connection to Lubos Motl?

The National Enquirer

Dear National Enquirer,

Don't you usually offer people lots of money for juicy, exclusive stories? Well, sorry to disappoint you (and myself), but I can't answer that question. And the reason I can't answer it is not because my spokesperson hasn't collaborated with his spokesperson, but because that answer has not yet been defined. Sorry, inquiring minds will have to keep wanting to know. Thanks.

Rae Ann


Hi Rae Ann,

Why don't you ever post pictures of yourself? Is it because you're fat and ugly?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Well, I'm not in the habit of taking (and sharing) pictures of myself for many reasons. I'm usually the one taking the pictures of everyone else. And I've grown past that stage of needing to see myself in pictures and needing others to approve of my appearance in those pictures. And yes, I do think I'm fat and ugly, at least compared to when I was young. But I've earned the right to have a spare tire and some gray hair and wrinkles and all those other 'landmarks' of life. I've lived a lot in the last 15 years and it shows. But you know what? In the long run I think that my fat genes will prove quite beneficial and adaptive for my offspring. My kids are not fat at all, however, but they probably do carry the genes for fat storage. I think all of those super skinny people and their offspring, if they manage to have any, will die off much quicker when the New Ice Age hits. Diversity is the spice of life. Besides, it's much more sensuous to cuddy up to someone soft and warm than cold and skeletal. But I suspect you'll never have that pleasure.

Rae Ann


Dear Vicious Momma,

What is up with you and religion? Are you in or are you out?

Confused

Dear Confused,

Only God knows the secrets of my heart. ;-)

Rae Ann aka Vicious Momma

Dear Dr. Freud,

I have an answer for your never answered question about what a woman wants. It seems that scientific discoveries and developments since your death offer a little enlightenment about the questions of your day. I don't pretend to be able to explain these things well enough for you or anyone else to understand fully, but I'll try anyway. For lack of a better way of organizing myself I'll start with a list:

1. A Woman Wants Supersymmetry which has to do with particle physics and is sort of self-explanatory by its name. I can't explain it exactly, but I kind of understand it (something about these tiny, little particles wanting to even themselves and each other out by partnering). I like it. I think that it is the state that we all (the whole Universe) would like to attain. We all want our 'superpartner'. (Maybe this is the state of Completion or Heaven or Nirvana at which we are no longer having to make adjustments and stuff?) And really, isn't that what Life is all about? Getting as close to balanced as you can. A woman wants a balanced relationship with a man. She doesn't want to feel like she's doing all of the work. She wants to feel necessary and wanted, and dare I say it, equal in importance and not just an accessory. (Though I wonder if there is ever "perfect" balance would it result in stagnation? Maybe there must be some imbalance required to maintain movement/energy? But that's probably a topic for another time, and I don't want to argue with myself right now.)

2. A Woman Does Not Want the Anthropic (man-centered) Principle which deals with why the Universe (or at least what we know of it) is perfectly suited for our existence. I can't pretend to understand that much about this one either, but I've decided that I don't think it's really necessary or worthwhile to put too much effort into exploring because it's a 'dead end.' It is a dead end because we are an expression (extension) of the Universe. The Universe is not an expression (extension) of us. If the Universe was truly an expression/extension of us (Life) then I think we'd not be asking this question at all. If it was an expression/extension of our consciousness or whatever then we'd understand it much, much better. If it was an expression of us then we'd be much better at altering it. Sure, "I think, therefore I am." But that doesn't mean, "I think, therefore you are." Likewise, a woman does not want the man to be the center of the Universe. A woman wants to be right there with him, partnered. (There is room for two at the center.)

Semi-seriously, doesn't the Anthropic Principle seem like a dog chasing its tail (or a man looking in the mirror)?

So, Dr. Freud, I hope that brings something new to your quest to understand women. My apologies to your physicist colleagues for abusing their terms and ideas. I hope that you can see that women don't envy your penis. We don't feel "incomplete" because we don't have one attached to us. But we do feel incomplete when we aren't in a balanced and harmonious relationship with a man because men and women are meant to be complementary and partnered. Men shouldn't envy women for the ability to 'create' life, and women shouldn't envy men for having the ability to 'support and increase' life. Your "toy models" of women are just far too simple and incomplete in light of modern knowledge. It's unfortunate that still to this day there are conflicts, power struggles, illusions, and delusions about our "other halves."

Anyway, rest in peace.

Sincerely,

Rae Ann

PS I thought you might be interested to know that this Anthropic Principle is the latest 'new wave' (popular) philosophy that has infiltrated many fields of study, particularly psychology and physics. And subsequently, the areas of spirituality and "self-help". Hmm, I guess there wasn't such a thing as "self help" back in your day. Nowadays, there is a glut of disposable books written by "experts" of various qualifications and credentials who tell other people how to live their lives. Anyway, I suspect that this Anthropic stuff is just a philosophical "fad" much like communism that will eventually be shown to be a dead end. But, then, what do I know? I'm just a woman, and a housewife at that! ;-)

Dear Hugo Chavez,

If you think that George Bush is the Devil, you ain't seen nothing yet. You are a stupid idiot to come to America and disrespect our President in such a nasty way. And then you have the nerve to go to Harlem and promise free oil to poor people. Your communist tricks will only work on poor people. Communist tricks only ever work on poor, usually kind of lazy and not-too-smart people, as you well know. You can take your communist oil and give yourself an enema with it. Yeah, that's exactly what you need. Some Venezuelan Colonics! And you better hope that your path and mine never cross. There's no way in Hell that you'll be getting a ride in my Corvette. And it don't run on Venezuelan oil. I promise you that.

And really, how stupid can you be? When America buys half your oil you don't go abusing it. You need some serious lessons on how business really works.* We need to cut you off. Maybe we should do as the radical Muslims that you are courting. It probably wouldn't take a whole lot of convincing to get a large group of bar-room Rednecks riled up enough to go burning up all your Citgo stations. But, we're not radical Muslims and don't do that kind of thing. (And I won't be held responsible if anyone actually does that. I'm definitely not organizing any criminal activity. I'm just saying how easy it would be.) My advice to you is to shut up and go to your own country as soon as possible.

My advice to my fellow Americans is to stop buying Venezuelan oil no matter how much it might cost. It's time to put our money where our mouths are. And I don't think that you, Hugo, and that crazy Iranian will be able to bully us around about oil if we all stand together. You might be able to buy some poor people in Harlem (and CNN), but you won't buy me with your oil.

One last thing: FUTUE TE ET IPSUM CABALLUM!! (no, it's not Spanish, and you can look it up)

Most seriously and sincerely,

Vicious Momma (to you- you don't get to call me by my real name)

*You use the drug dealer's approach to business with your oil. Give a free sample and get the poor people hooked so you can manipulate and control them. That is all communism is at its core.... opium for the masses. Yeah, that's right, I'm telling you that Marx was wrong about religion. He was ultimately describing his own ideas.

Dear Pope Benedict XVI,

I'm not sure of the proper way to address your Excellency or whatever. ;-) Please forgive my American informality. With all due respect I admire your intelligence, reason, faith, and diplomacy. If I may, I'd like to make you an unusual offer. In light of the recent controversy over your words about the nature of Islam and the resulting confirmation of your statements, I'd like to provide you with an opportunity to express how you really feel about the death threats and other nonsense in a personal and private way.

Sometimes it's necessary to express our displeasure through some form of empathic projection or other therapy. I realize that you have a real close relationship with God and that He sustains you in all the ways you need, but I think God would not be too upset with you if you joined me for a little joyride. Sometimes when I'm feeling put-upon I'll get in my (red) Corvette convertible and drive around playing some loud music. This is a "safe" way to express the thoughts and feelings I have that I can't otherwise fully express in good conscience.

What in particular I have in mind is that we could listen to "Ridin" by Chamillionaire and sing along but change some of the words if you'd like. The first part is okay as is (actually it's the best part):

They see me rollin'
They hatin'
Patrollin'
And tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty
Tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty
Tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty
Tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty
Tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty
My music so loud;
I'm swangin'
They hopin'
That they gon' catch me ridin' dirty
Tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty
Tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty
Tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty
Tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty

Well, don't you agree that it fits with your situation? Those crazy Jihadists love to try to catch you ridin' dirty (criticizing Islam). In this next part you can think of the "police" and "law" as the Jihadists, and you can think of all the other stuff as just 'fluff' that makes you feel like a badass, kind of like all the papal vestments and all that. ;-) The parts that I've made bold type are parts that I think you'd really appreciate.

Police think they can see me lean;
I'm tint so it ain't easy to be seen.
They see me ride by, they can see the glean
And my shine on the deck and the TV screen.
Ride with a new chick, she like "Hold up."
Next to the Playstation controlla;
well have a full clip, in my pistolla
that I'm a send a jacker into a coma.
Girl, you ain't know, I'm crazy like Krayzie Bone;
Just tryin' to bone, ain't tryin' to have no babies.
Ride clean as hell so I pull in ladies.
Law's on patrol; you know they hate me.
Music turned all the way up and to the maximum;
I can speak for some niggas tryin' to jack for some.
But we packin' somethin' that we have
And, um, will have a nigga locked up in the maximum
Security cell. I'm grippin' oak.
Music loud and the tippin' slow.
Twins steady twistin' like hit this dough;
Police pull up from behind and I'm sittin low.
Windows down, gotta stop pollution.
CDs change; niggas like "Who is that producin'?"
This the Play-N-Skillz when we out and cruisin'
Got warrants in every city except Houston
But I still ain't losin'.

But really, the content of the verses is kind of hard to understand, and it might be better if you didn't understand them anyway. ;-) But the chorus is great and sounds really good in my car. The point is to allow yourself to temporarily feel the indignation and redirect it through the music and the wind blowing past you. It will make you feel better. I call it Corvette Therapy. :-) (for a preview, click here)

And I totally respect your oath of celibacy and all those other concerns. You do not need to worry about being in a fast sports car with a hot-blooded American woman. I promise I won't put a move on you or anything. You'll be perfectly safe. (you're a little 'mature' for me anyway) ;-)

So just think about it and let me know if you think you'd like to try it. I might even let you drive a little, which is a huge thing because I don't let anybody (except grudgingly my husband sometimes) drive my Corvette. But if you can't trust the Pope then who can you trust? Do you know how to drive? It's an automatic so it's easy, but don't let that make you think it's not powerful and quick and very responsive. It is. Very.

I'd be most pleased to be able to fulfill this offer. Thanks. And stay tough and hang in there.

Most respectfully and sincerely,

Rae Ann (a.k.a. Vicious Momma)


PS If you like "Ridin'" you might like Snoop Dogg's "Drop It Like It's Hot" too.

PPS Just last night I heard Weird Al's parody of "Ridin'" ("White and Nerdy"). Visit Weird Al's MySpace Page to hear it. It's hilarious!

From the Chimerical Mailbag

(It's been a while since I've done one of these.)


Dear Rae Ann,

You are so corny. Your whole blog theme is dumb.

A Cynic


Dear Cynic,

True enough, I suppose, but the world would be much better off with more corniness and less cynicism. My advice to you is don't reproduce.

Sincerely,
Rae Ann


Hey Rae Ann,

What do you think about Pat Robertson's(oops! I just wasn't right in the head yesterday, lol) Buchanan's new book that says we're under an invasion from Mexico?

Curious


Hi Curious,

I think he's been reading my blog! ;-)

Thanks,
Rae Ann


Rae Ann,

Are you really a psychic? I think you're just delusional. There is no such thing as psychic ability.

A Skeptic


Hi Skeptic,

I hope to be able to better answer your question in the near future. Of course, I know that I'll never be able to convince you differently. ;-)

Madame Rae Ann


Dear Rae Ann,

I've noticed that you've been the victim of some plagiarism. What are you going to do?

Concerned Reader

Dear Concerned Reader,

Thanks for noticing. :-) I was kind of pissed at first, but then I realized that some people just can't think for themselves and have to steal other people's ideas. I'm very generous. Especially to the needy. I'm not as dumb as many people want to think. ;-)

Yours,
Rae Ann