I am, I said
To no one there
And no one heard at all
Not even the chair
I am, I cried
I am, said I
And I am lost, and I can't even say why
"I Am, I Said" by Neil Diamond
The following is an unedited expression. Please, no one take any offense.
Subject: Through Perelman's Eyes
Time: 1:25:25 PM EDT
Music: "shot down in a blaze of glory"
I really wish I could run away this week. I wish I could go off alone into the 'wilderness' with some pot and not much else. Sometimes the life inside my head is so much more interesting than the life outside of it.
There's a mathematical genius named Perelman who is probably mentally ill and in need of medication and other treatment, but because he's a 'genius' people think it's cool or neat or admirable that he's isolating himself and that his illness is causing his judgment to be clouded. Apparently, he's solved some big thing, and that is cool and all that, but I have to wonder if he's fallen into some let-down over it. Sometimes chasing a big mystery will spur people's lives and when they finally solve it, it is so anti-climactic they crash. Perhaps he's sad that his life seems to have no purpose any more? Perhaps the answer he found has led him to conclude that Life isn't what he had hoped. I don't know jack-shit about that deep math. But I can imagine that solving a big riddle like that might seem like a disappointment. Not that I don't like solving riddles. I do. And I'm one of those people who gets very impatient if I can't figure one out in due time. But most of the riddles I experience involve people, and to be blunt, people are much less cooperative than numbers.
Yes, I want to repeat that. People riddles are much less cooperative than number riddles. I'm weary of trying to solve people riddles. If I could join Perelman in his isolation I would. I'm tired of trying to figure it all out too. And the things I have figured out do seem of little consequence because NO ONE LISTENS AND NO ONE SEEMS TO CARE.
But of course, the big difference here is that no one offers me any awards for my work. No recognition. No money. No nothing. Of course, I've not solved any big scientific mysteries (well, not that anyone can recognize). But if he doesn't like money or want to use it for better purposes, why doesn't someone offer it to someone who would appreciate it and use it for good? I'm rambling, but "fuck all y'all", as my friends in NC like to say.
Fuck all y'all.
I'm sure that's exactly what Perelman is thinking too.